Myth #546: When you are in relationship with “your people” they will know everything about you and be able to read your mind!
Wrong! This lesson I learned through being in relationship and getting upset when what I was thinking was not addressed promptly or in a way that I thought of as appropriate. I would like to say that I learned my lesson quickly and effortlessly, but to be honest it took some time. I was first confronted with the idea of clear and respectful communication in an academic setting in my sophomore year of college. I took Marriage 101 at Northwestern and this was a huge part of the course. Here I was introduced to Dr. Gottman and his research at the Love Lab in Washington State. Since then I have gone on to also read his book The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work. Over and over again the fact that people cannot read your mind kept coming up!
I think one reason people conflate being understood and supported with “mind-reading” because in the movies when people fall in love, they start finishing each other’s sentences and chemistry is related to being in tune at all times. The behind the scenes work of a healthy relationship is rarely ever shown.
Also, I recently read a post on Instagram and it said that basically if your partner is always in tune to what you want, it is likely that they are walking on eggshells in your relationship. I was mind blown. This is so true. The only person that can always know what you want is YOU! Now I’m not saying people can’t be attentive, but what I am saying is that the only way to make sure your expectations and needs are understood is to speak up.
For me this has looked like actually admitting when I am hurt and not waiting for the other person to ask me what’s wrong. It has looked like me saying “Actually that’s not what I want to eat.” or “How about we implement this in the classroom instead?” Or my absolute favorite “I need help.”
Why is that one my favorite? Because it’s the hardest for me to do. I am a self-proclaimed, with the affirming of many other people, “Independent Woman”! If there is one thing I know how to do, it is handle my business! But God taught me, he did not put me on this Earth to do life alone. I need help at times and that is not a bad thing! The other thing He taught me is that I am loved. There are people who can and want to help me. I am not a burden, I am human. This load lifting off my shoulders was huge.
I was talking to my Prophyte a few weeks back and we were discussing asking for help. She said something else that blew my mind. She said, “Imagine the opportunity you are giving someone else when you ask for help.” I was shook! God has placed each and every one of us on Earth with a purpose. When we ask for help we are allowing people to live out that purpose. I cannot sit here and rob people of their opportunities to walk in their calling.
As with all of the lessons, I am still working this lesson out. I am checking myself daily in all of my relationships to make sure I am communicating my needs clearly and asking for help. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I have to try again. I hope that you are being vulnerable and speaking up for yourselves. I hope that you are allowing the people in your life to love you and show up for you!
If you’ve struggled/still struggle with asking for helping or expecting people to be mind-readers, leave a comment sharing what has helped you to grow in this area!
Love Y’all!
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